Getting Over An Affair

3 Ingredients for Falling in Love Again with your Spouse

If your spouse cheated on you and the very foundations of your marriage has been rocked; you will wonder how you will get over the infidelity and fall in love again with your spouse. Perhaps you have already worked on other aspects of saving your marriage – the denial, the whirlwind of emotions, negative thoughts and doubts, and have reestablished the foundations, but you still wonder on how to rekindle that spark in your relationship. Let’s look at the three ingredients that you and your spouse can work on to find love in each other again.

Moving Forward towards Love

When a spouse has an affair, it triggers tremendous negativity into the marriage. If your spouse cheated on you, you feel that you will never be able to move past the affair, and if you were when the one who cheated, then you probably feel you that you’ll never be forgiven. However, if both partners are working on their marriage despite the hardships and explosive emotions, then it’s safe to say that they still have feelings of love for each other. Sometimes even an affair can’t break the bonds of true love.

Even the strongest of marriages have problems, its part of life. Whether an affair is involved or not, there are points in a marriage that one or both spouses may feel that they have fallen out of love, but if the two of you genuinely want to rekindle that love and desire for each other, it’s even possible to make your marriage stronger than ever before. There are many marriages that have survived the worst of problems, even affairs and end up with deeper love for each other. All the weak areas in your relationship are addressed when you try to rebuild your marriage and as you address them, you can build a stronger foundation.

Ingredients Needed for Falling Back into Love

Everything seems to change in a marriage after an affair and falling in love again will take time and practice. Both of you will have to commit towards saving your marriage. Three key ingredients you will need to work on are transparency, conflict resolution and communication.

Transparency

Rebuilding trust is important in working out your marriage and it can be difficult. However, by committing to transparency, trust is possible. You have to share what’s going on with your life, who you’re seeing and along with other details that your spouse wants or needs to know. You have to be honest too, and continue on this habit of sharing in order to regain your spouse’s trust and security in your relationship.

Conflict Resolution

You need to look into more effective and meaningful ways of resolving conflict within your marriage especially, if you usually end disagreements with silent treatments or violent arguments. Collaborative conflict resolution is a habit that the two of you must form. It’s natural for people to disagree, so the two of you need to create a caring and understanding atmosphere of openness, you can rebuild and strengthen your marriage. You have to be open to each other’s opinions. Respect and appreciate them even if you don’t see eye to eye.

Communication

The inability to communicate effectively to each other may be the root of your marriage issues. This could mean that either one or both of you do not know how to listen or cannot express yourself to your partner. True, honest and open conversation needs to take place.

Falling back in love with your spouse requires you to effectively communicate with your partner. You need to identify and work on communication gaps, touchy subjects and other communication problems in your relationship. You have to form habit of true and meaningful conversation and improve on your communication skills so that you and your spouse can be intimate again.

Filed Under: Getting Over An Affair Tagged With: fall in love again, get the love back in my marriage, getting over an affair

Why Did My Husband Cheat?

By Adrienne Mansfield 1 Comment

Unsatisfied Needs: Not an Excuse for Cheating

Not all cheaters know why they cheated; some of them are not even sure what really pushed them to cheat. Nothing will ever justify cheating; however, victims of affairs oftentimes try to justify their spouses’ actions. Usually they blame it on unsatisfied needs.

Let’s take a look at two of the needs within a marriage along with some conversation starters to help you explore those needs as you work on your marriage.

Cheating is Inexcusable

Not even the worst problems in a marriage can excuse infidelity. People sometimes believe that marriage problems can be solved through ways outside of their marriage, but it can’t. Cheating is outside of marriage, and it just adds more problems, heartaches and devastation. So how can anyone justify cheating?

When cheaters are asked why they cheated, they often tell their spouse that their needs weren’t met. Whether their needs were met or not, it is still not a justification. It is still wrong to seek need fulfillment if it requires breaking your vows.

Cheating is inexcusable, and there is nothing more you can do about the past. You can’t change it, so instead of focusing your thoughts on the past, think of what you can do now to prevent infidelity from happening again. Think about your needs, your spouse’s needs and how you can work on them.

Your Marriage Needs

Within every partnership or relationship, there is a multitude of needs. Some more important than the others, while some are random everyday needs, like “I need you to take out the garbage.” There are different levels of needs, and the most important ones are the need for love, intimacy and companionship.

Other deep seated needs are honesty and communication. Any of these needs, from the smallest ones to the major ones, can be neglected by one or both spouses. When we become too familiar with someone, we can sometimes neglect their needs, especially when we are busy and engrossed in work and other aspect of our lives.

Sometime we don’t mean it but it can lead to taking each other for granted, or taking your own needs for granted. If ignoring needs become habit, then one or both spouses will feel neglected or unfulfilled.

Everyone has needs, even if they don’t talk about it. If you’re not sure about your partner’s needs or if you feel you lack the emotional connection, maybe you and your spouse haven’t been open about each other’s needs. Talking about your needs in an honest and peaceful manner is important. It can help you understand each other’s needs and how to fulfill them while also fulfilling each other. Here are two conversation starters to help you get going.

Emotional Needs

Our emotional needs are at the cornerstone of any relationship. It may be wide and complex, but it is extremely important for you to talk about them. One aspect you should look in to is the need for support from a spouse. Everyone wants to feel support and security from our partner.

Try asking these questions:

Do you support and provide affirmation to your spouse?
How do you show your spouse support?
Do you feel that he supports you?
In what ways is he or she providing you with support? How does he or she show you support?
How does you spouse want you to show support?
How do you want your spouse to show support?

Romantic Needs

Romance isn’t just about poetry, cheesy lines or beds of roses. It about making your spouse feel special. It doesn’t have to big and bold, even the small gestures are important, a look, a touch or even a word can be romantic if you want it to be. Romance may be difficult after an affair because of the fresh relationship wounds, so take your time but don’t stop exploring your romantic needs.

Think about what will fulfill you and what can fulfill your spouse. Try these questions:

Does your spouse make romantic gestures in the past? What were those gestures?
Do you make romantic gestures for your partner? What were those gestures?
How did it make each of you feel when you made or received those gestures?
How did each of you feel when you exchanged those moments?
What do you need your spouse to do to be more romantic?
What does your spouse need you to do to be more romantic?

Any marriage or relationship has multiple need dimensions. Emotional and romantic needs are just two of them. There are many more conversation starters out there that you can try, and these will help you get started in working to save your marriage. Remember to be open and honest to each other as you explore and progress though the different aspects of marriage needs.

Filed Under: Getting Over An Affair Tagged With: why did my husband cheat, why did my husband have an affair, why do men cheat

Am I Responsible For My Spouse Cheating?

By Adrienne Mansfield Leave a Comment

Your Cheating Spouse and Your Responsibilities

Affairs are becoming common, but the pain they bring doesn’t dwindle. It is but natural for anyone to feel devastated, confused and betrayed. In fact, the multitude of emotions running over your body can also take over the rationality of your thoughts. You might even think that because marriage is a partnership, that you are to blame for your cheating spouse actions. Stop right there. You are not to blame.

You might think that life would never return to normal once the affair goes public, but it does. It might even turn out better for you and you have some post affair responsibilities that can help you get through the difficulties.

Your Responsibilities To Your Marriage

It is in every responsible adult’s nature to want to save their marriage, especially if kids are involved. You might even feel that the reason for the affair was partly your fault. But actually, whether you’re the perfect partner or even if you drive your spouse crazy, the fact remains that cheating on you was his or her decision.

People have their own free will and rational thinking, so what an individual decides to do or not to do is solely on his or hew own shoulders. Your responsibility is only to accept that you also have faults in your marriage but not for what your spouse’s actions. You may have your own mistakes in your marriage, but that is not to be blamed for his or her mistakes. In fact, cheating only adds more problems making everything worse.

Right now, you might feel devastated. You ask yourself why he did it and even have thoughts that you were inadequate. Don’t let these thoughts run your life; you have to start rebuilding yourself so you can save your marriage. Your spouse’s infidelity not only affects you mentally and emotionally, but it can even be deleterious to your health.

So, your main responsibility is to help your self. It may seem challenging to get through this difficult phase in your life, but know that you can do it, and it will pass. Be a little selfish for now and work on all those thoughts and feelings of self-doubt and self-pity, and love yourself once more. Build up your self esteem and self respect and know that the affair wasn’t your fault.
It’s time to put yourself as your topmost priority.

Your Responsibilities Post-Affair

In order for you to start loving and respecting yourself, you have three key responsibilities: assume responsibility, accept reality, and satisfy yourself. Once you have mastered these responsibilities, regaining self-worth is easy.

Assuming Responsibility

Life is what you make it and happiness is a choice. Remember that this is your life, and you are responsible for it. Your aspirations, dreams and desires are still within your reach and you have the capacity to reach them. No one, not even a cheating spouse can ever take away your self worth and dignity from you.

It’s alright to wish that the affair didn’t happen and that it has affected you in ways you’d never expect; however, they’re all in the past. Nothing and no one can change what has been done. What’s more important is to live in the present and move forward towards a better future. What you decide to do about your life is your first key responsibility.

Accepting Reality

Now that you have assumed responsibility for your life, you have to accept that not everything is in your control. Do not be too hard on yourself and do not belittle your emotions. It is only natural to feel those complex feelings and difficult thoughts.

Our emotions do not make us weak, they only make us humans. So do not be hard on yourself, your key responsibility is to accept the reality of your situation. No matter how bleak and challenging it is, you have to work through your emotions, the pains and the nightmares. It is a normal process you have to go through so you can express responsibility for your life and deal with these harsh realities

Satisfy Yourself

Give yourself a break, you deserve it. In fact, you are also responsible for satisfying yourself. It’s not selfish to aspire for satisfying one’s needs. Do things that fulfill you emotionally and spiritually, things that make you fell alive once more. You may have forgotten to have fun as a couple even before the affair and could be a major problem in your marriage too. Remember any individual has their own needs too.

You have yours, your partner has his or hers and as a couple you also have needs. Think about those needs and take time to satisfy them, and start with satisfying yourself. Once you are happy and have rebuilt yourself, then you can start on your marriage.

Remember that the affair is not your fault; your spouse chose to do it so it’s all on his or her shoulder. In the same manner, know that what you do with your life after the affair, is also solely on you.

Take charge of your life and love yourself once more. In time, you’ll rekindle the magic within and even discover amazing things about yourself you never knew about. It may be difficult for you right now, but if you allow yourself and choose to be happy, you can still find inner peace and joy.

Filed Under: Getting Over An Affair Tagged With: am i responsible for my cheating spouse, am i to blame for my spouse cheating

Getting Over An Affair

By Adrienne Mansfield 8 Comments

An affair can devastate even a strong relationship because it brings about difficult emotions such as anger, guilt, betrayal, and humiliation. Getting over an affair is very difficult because of the strong emotions involved, but the good thing is that emotions can change as time goes by. With support and a lot of effort, it is possible to get past these emotions and actually make your relationship stronger than it was before the affair.

Once you first discover that your partner cheated, the feeling of betrayal can be so painful that you might not think seriously about recovering the relationship. Plenty of couples have overcome difficult odds and managed to get their relationship back on track so that it is stronger than before the infidelity, and you have the power to do it as well. It might be impossible to fathom when you first find out about the cheating, and it will take a serious amount of dedication and work, but the outcome is worth it.

You should not have to go through this difficult time alone without any help or guidance. Click the picture above to sign up for a free course on how to save your marriage. You will get an exact blueprint to follow that will guide you through every step. This free course is a great alternative to marriage counseling.

Getting Over An Affair Tip #1: Timing is Key

If you are serious about getting over an affair and saving your relationship, it is vital to not only do the correct things, but to do them in the right order as well. Tons of couples might take the right actions, but if they are not doing it at the right time, it could do more harm than good.

As an example, it is necessary that you talk about the details of the infidelity. This can truly make a real difference between saving the relationship and splitting up. Out of couples surveyed, a greater amount of those who went over the details of the affair saved their relationships than those who did not. However, it is just as vital when you choose to talk about the affair than if you talk about it at all.

After you initially find out that your partner has committed infidelity, it is shocking and devastating. Emotions are raw at the beginning so it is not the right time to be talking about all the painful details. It is vital to get a hold of your emotions first before you go over the details.

It is not unusual to experience a regression in the relationship once you talk about the details, so it is not wise to talk about it unless you equip yourselves emotionally. Once you get ready emotionally, you can ensure that it is going to be a safe experience and get over any regression pretty fast.

Getting Over An Affair Tip #2: Follow a Step-by-Step System

It is great to have a system to follow to know what you should be doing and when you should be doing it. If you take the right actions at the wrong time, it can actually make getting over an affair more difficult. People say that time can heal everything, but this is not always true when you are dealing with infidelity. The distance in the relationship can grow as time goes by when you do not face your issues head on.

If you do not have a map to follow, you may let your emotions get out of control and you may not do the right things making it harder to get past the cheating. There are separate issues that both the injured partner and the cheating partner need to get through before beginning to start working on the relationship.

Getting Over An Affair Tip #3: Work Out Your Issues Alone First Before You Work With Your Partner

It is better to explore these issues by yourself to get control of all of the feelings involved. Making it through the emotional turmoil on your own at this time will keep you from fighting and doing further harm. Then you can start healing the relationship together.

A lot of systems require couples to work as a team at the outset, but this this could hurt your chance at getting over an affair. There is a unique 3-phase system that that allows you to work on your emotional issues by yourself without your partner during the first phase. With this method, you can begin healing your relationship even if your partner is not willing yet. This step-by-step system was put together by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, a marriage counseling specialist who has been practicing for 31 years. Click here for more information: How to Survive an Affair.

You can start working through the steps any time, even if the affair happened years ago. I will briefly explain the three phases to fill you in a little bit more on this system.

Phase 1: Individual Healing—Understanding Personal Feelings and Sorting Through Your Emotions

The first phase consists of starting to work on your own to come to terms with your own feelings, for both the partner who cheated and the partner who was injured. Right when you find out about an affair, it is common to want to know why your partner cheated and whether you would ever be able to trust your partner again.

This is called “externalizing,” or looking outside of yourself to find the reasons why you feel the way you do within yourself. You may think that getting an explanation would take the sting away, but this is not the best for getting over an affair. It is more prudent to control your feelings first, and then you can work with your partner and prevent any further harm to your relationship.

When you go through Phase 1, you will learn how to manage your feelings when you’ve been injured by an affair, how to get the pictures and negative thoughts out of your mind, and how to earn back the trust with your partner if you were the one who cheated.

Phase 2: Healing as a Couple—Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues

The second phase is about teaching you to construct a stable system of communication. You will receive guidance on how to forgive, how to determine when the proper moment is to start talking about the affair, and how to defend your relationship from any more damage.

The most significant part of phase 2 is the step-by-step plan for effectively communicating without making matters worse. In this phase, you will start to determine why the cheating happened and what the problem areas are in your relationship. Once you find the problems, you will then start going through them and solving them. Because you have already taken control of your emotions in phase 1, talking about these issues will not be as hard.

While you work through this phase, you will begin to see improvements in your relationship. You will be more committed to the relationship, communicate more honestly, and have more intimacy, appreciation, and respect for each other. Getting over an affair will not seem as unfathomable and you will want to start trusting again at this point.

Phase 3: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship—Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New Trust-Filled Partnership

Many couples who have had counseling never find out what is taught in phase 3, and that is quite a shame. Phase 3 teaches the crucial path to get the spark back and construct a new foundation of trust in the relationship. You will find out the 5 building blocks of a totally transparent relationship and start to observe more emotional predictability and truthfulness.

Building back trust after one partner has cheated is difficult to accomplish. In order to overcome this hard task, you will learn methods that will help you to gradually start to trust your partner once more. When you start to feel emotionally close again, you will gradually start to build up your intimate relationship.

This three-phase approach to getting over an affair is part of a step-by-step system that teaches just what steps to take and when to do them rather than trying to forge ahead by yourselves. This program is better than any book available because books do not save marriages. That is exactly the reason why Dr. Frank Gunzburg spent 18 months compiling all of his methods and documenting them in this step-by-step program instead of simply publishing a book.