When you have been cheated on, you may start to feel like you are losing your mind. Your thoughts may get out of control to the point where it is starting to drive your crazy. This is completely normal because you have suffered an emotional blow by finding out that the person you trusted has lied to you and cheated on you. It is natural to get overrun by negative thoughts that cause you to be tired, miserable, and unhappy.
You were most likely not expecting it when you found about the affair, so you still need time to process it and the effects it has on your relationship. This article will discuss some coping methods that will help you regain control of your thoughts and push out all the negativity from your mind.
Have Negative Thoughts Taken Control?
Part of what has your thoughts so out of control is the questions that are running through your mind. You probably want to know why your spouse cheated on you, who he or she cheated with, and why they were attracted to this other person. You probably are trying to figure out when exactly it happened and how it was possible not to have known about it when it was going on right under your nose.
It is hard to ever know what is the truth anymore, and your mind is filled with doubt and negative thoughts. You may feel as though you are not sexy enough to your spouse, and that is why he or she had an affair. You may blame yourself for spending to much time at work building up your career. Perhaps you put your kids first ahead of your marriage, and you feel this is to blame. You may feel that the person your spouse cheated with is probably much better company than you and you have nothing to offer.
All these negative thoughts are paralyzing and can really take a strong hold on you. All of a sudden, the affair controls all your thoughts and brings all this negativity that you did not have to deal with before.You did not bring it on yourself, but it is the reality of the situation. The good news is that it does not have to become a permanent reality.
How to Break Your Negative Thought Patterns
The more you think about the details of the infidelity, the more these negative thought patterns take over. You may begin questioning things obsessively until it consumes you entirely. This inner turmoil can cause you to feel powerless and damage your self-esteem.
At a certain point, all the negative thought patters start to become a habit. But the good news is that habits can be broken. Here are some tips on how to break your negative thought patterns.
Step 1: Affirm to Yourself that Your Mind is Your Own Territory
At first, it can feel as thought the negative thoughts are happening to you, and not created by you. This explains why you feel so powerless to stop it. You must take back control of your mind. Only you allow what can and cannot enter your mind. Say out loud that your mind is your territory, write it down, and repeat it whenever you feel the negativity coming in. Make this affirmation until you start to believe that you are in control again.
Step 2: Examine Your Thoughts
Your negative thoughts about the affair have become a pattern, but now it is time to look at what specifically these negative thoughts consist of. Which nagging questions or images haunt you the most? What thoughts play out again and again? The best way to do this is to get a journal and write down what you come up with. When you write the thoughts down and see them objectively, they will start to lose their power and the hold they have over you.
Step 3: Get Rid of Your Negative Thought Patterns
Once you have examined your thoughts, try to think of some ways to push them out of your head. There is no right way to do this and there may be many solutions depending on who you are. Here is an example of how to come up with a method to get rid of your negative thoughts. If you observe that your negative thoughts happen at a particular time of day, when you are doing something in particular, you can use this to change the way you think in that situation.
For example, if you find yourself always thinking about the affair when you are driving to work and listening to talk radio, change the scenario. Turn on some music instead of the talk radio and sing along. Come up with any method you can to distract yourself from thinking about the affair at this time, and change up your drive to work so you stop associating it with you negative thought patterns.
Although it can feel like you are not in control of your thoughts, you are actually always able to regain control of your mind. When the habit of negative thoughts forms, it can take time to break it, but it is totally possible. By affirming to yourself that you are capable of changing negative thoughts, you will feel in control again and gain a new sense of power. Your negative thoughts will slowly fade away and become a thing of the past.
Please share your experience with negative thought patterns by leaving a comment below. What kind of thoughts did you have after finding out about the affair? How did these thoughts affect your quality of life? Were there triggers that set off these thoughts? Did you take steps to take back control of your mind, and what steps did you take? How did it make you feel to take back control?
My wife had an affair and they used to text for several hours all day long while I was at work. When I have negative thoughts or feelings coming on, I try to short circuit them by sending her texts about something I love or like about her. This way it forces me to think about something positive and at the same time makes a connection point with her during the day to give her the attention she was seeking.
My negative thoughts swirl around: 1) my conviction that the relationship, emotional and/or physical continues, 2) it’s a threat, and 3) my balance is off until “normality” resumes.
My husband had an affair 12 yrs ago, we got past that. but I was told today by him that he had another one with a co worker. How do i get over this/ Been married 20 yrs and he has had 2 affairs.
My husband of 13 years had an affair with a coworker. It was an emotional affair with supposedly nothing more than a few kisses. But the texts I found were him telling her I wasn’t his soul mate and an in depth description of their kisses which of course are the same way he used to kiss me. Now every time he tries to kiss me I can see and feel the way he kissed her! PLEASE HELP ME MAKE IT STOP
Before my husband and I were married, we were going through a difficult period in our relationship, and he continually picked fights with me, finding fault with everything I did. He kept saying that he “couldn’t take it anymore” and one night we had a big blow-up fight and he moved out. Turns out he had been in constant contact with someone from his youth for several months, and as soon as he moved out, he hooked up with her for a few days. He never admitted to it to me, but I know he was looking for a reason to break up so he could be with her without feeling guilty, as it coincided with us having problems. He realized very quickly that the fantasy was way better than the reality. We got back together quickly, and got married a few months later. But for a long time I couldn’t get the thoughts of her and him out of my head. I kept torturing myself with questions like, “what did she have that I didn’t?” I poked around on her Facebook page (which I promptly insisted he block her and all her friends) and she wasn’t anything special. But it made me realize I was feeling insecure about myself. After that, I became determined to continually improve myself… although I have always taken care of myself, I now work out faithfully every day, and I have stepped up my game. I never EVER want to be in that position again where I worry that I am not good enough for him. If I’m not, it’s not because I didn’t try. It boosted my self-confidence tremendously, and when this woman’s brother passed away ( he was my husband’s childhood friend) I agreed to go to the funeral as long as there was no physical contact between them. He agreed without hesitation. And it’s a good thing we had discussed it before we went because she asked me if she could hug him and I flat out said NO. She started crying and blaming me for being cold and uncaring (himmm she never thought about my feelings when she was after my man), but he made it clear to her that we were there to pay our last respects and it had nothing to do with her. And I felt confident enough in myself to go and hold my head up high. Every time those ugly pictures of her creep into my head, I remind myself of the things about her that I thought were unattractive, etc…and I’m the one who won. My husband and I have complete transparency in our marriage and I think that is very important . I have access to his phone, emails, etc.. I know where he is at all times, and vice versa. Most important, I will always have my eyes open to how quickly this can happen if you aren’t looking for the signs. Knowledge is power.
My wife had a affair for 5 years with a coworker. She says he manipulated her into it. She says she loves me and only me. She no longer works with him and says she has cut all ties to him. We have been married gor 17 years (high school sweethearts). I dont know how i can forgive this long lie and betrayal to me and my kids.
first thought of day is thinking of wife and her “charming man”
the lying .which hotel they were at ,where they ate dinners etc.
it has consumed me, we did decide to try to move forward but so much info comes up all the time that she just denies ,and wont admit. I think that is why this enters my mind because i just never got the facts wish we could move on but hate this darkness that consumes me