An affair can devastate even a strong relationship because it brings about difficult emotions such as anger, guilt, betrayal, and humiliation. Getting over an affair is very difficult because of the strong emotions involved, but the good thing is that emotions can change as time goes by. With support and a lot of effort, it is possible to get past these emotions and actually make your relationship stronger than it was before the affair.
Once you first discover that your partner cheated, the feeling of betrayal can be so painful that you might not think seriously about recovering the relationship. Plenty of couples have overcome difficult odds and managed to get their relationship back on track so that it is stronger than before the infidelity, and you have the power to do it as well. It might be impossible to fathom when you first find out about the cheating, and it will take a serious amount of dedication and work, but the outcome is worth it.
You should not have to go through this difficult time alone without any help or guidance. Click the picture above to sign up for a free course on how to save your marriage. You will get an exact blueprint to follow that will guide you through every step. This free course is a great alternative to marriage counseling.
Getting Over An Affair Tip #1: Timing is Key
If you are serious about getting over an affair and saving your relationship, it is vital to not only do the correct things, but to do them in the right order as well. Tons of couples might take the right actions, but if they are not doing it at the right time, it could do more harm than good.
As an example, it is necessary that you talk about the details of the infidelity. This can truly make a real difference between saving the relationship and splitting up. Out of couples surveyed, a greater amount of those who went over the details of the affair saved their relationships than those who did not. However, it is just as vital when you choose to talk about the affair than if you talk about it at all.
After you initially find out that your partner has committed infidelity, it is shocking and devastating. Emotions are raw at the beginning so it is not the right time to be talking about all the painful details. It is vital to get a hold of your emotions first before you go over the details.
It is not unusual to experience a regression in the relationship once you talk about the details, so it is not wise to talk about it unless you equip yourselves emotionally. Once you get ready emotionally, you can ensure that it is going to be a safe experience and get over any regression pretty fast.
Getting Over An Affair Tip #2: Follow a Step-by-Step System
It is great to have a system to follow to know what you should be doing and when you should be doing it. If you take the right actions at the wrong time, it can actually make getting over an affair more difficult. People say that time can heal everything, but this is not always true when you are dealing with infidelity. The distance in the relationship can grow as time goes by when you do not face your issues head on.
If you do not have a map to follow, you may let your emotions get out of control and you may not do the right things making it harder to get past the cheating. There are separate issues that both the injured partner and the cheating partner need to get through before beginning to start working on the relationship.
Getting Over An Affair Tip #3: Work Out Your Issues Alone First Before You Work With Your Partner
It is better to explore these issues by yourself to get control of all of the feelings involved. Making it through the emotional turmoil on your own at this time will keep you from fighting and doing further harm. Then you can start healing the relationship together.
A lot of systems require couples to work as a team at the outset, but this this could hurt your chance at getting over an affair. There is a unique 3-phase system that that allows you to work on your emotional issues by yourself without your partner during the first phase. With this method, you can begin healing your relationship even if your partner is not willing yet. This step-by-step system was put together by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, a marriage counseling specialist who has been practicing for 31 years. Click here for more information: How to Survive an Affair.
You can start working through the steps any time, even if the affair happened years ago. I will briefly explain the three phases to fill you in a little bit more on this system.
Phase 1: Individual Healing—Understanding Personal Feelings and Sorting Through Your Emotions
The first phase consists of starting to work on your own to come to terms with your own feelings, for both the partner who cheated and the partner who was injured. Right when you find out about an affair, it is common to want to know why your partner cheated and whether you would ever be able to trust your partner again.
This is called “externalizing,” or looking outside of yourself to find the reasons why you feel the way you do within yourself. You may think that getting an explanation would take the sting away, but this is not the best for getting over an affair. It is more prudent to control your feelings first, and then you can work with your partner and prevent any further harm to your relationship.
When you go through Phase 1, you will learn how to manage your feelings when you’ve been injured by an affair, how to get the pictures and negative thoughts out of your mind, and how to earn back the trust with your partner if you were the one who cheated.
Phase 2: Healing as a Couple—Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues
The second phase is about teaching you to construct a stable system of communication. You will receive guidance on how to forgive, how to determine when the proper moment is to start talking about the affair, and how to defend your relationship from any more damage.
The most significant part of phase 2 is the step-by-step plan for effectively communicating without making matters worse. In this phase, you will start to determine why the cheating happened and what the problem areas are in your relationship. Once you find the problems, you will then start going through them and solving them. Because you have already taken control of your emotions in phase 1, talking about these issues will not be as hard.
While you work through this phase, you will begin to see improvements in your relationship. You will be more committed to the relationship, communicate more honestly, and have more intimacy, appreciation, and respect for each other. Getting over an affair will not seem as unfathomable and you will want to start trusting again at this point.
Phase 3: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship—Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New Trust-Filled Partnership
Many couples who have had counseling never find out what is taught in phase 3, and that is quite a shame. Phase 3 teaches the crucial path to get the spark back and construct a new foundation of trust in the relationship. You will find out the 5 building blocks of a totally transparent relationship and start to observe more emotional predictability and truthfulness.
Building back trust after one partner has cheated is difficult to accomplish. In order to overcome this hard task, you will learn methods that will help you to gradually start to trust your partner once more. When you start to feel emotionally close again, you will gradually start to build up your intimate relationship.
This three-phase approach to getting over an affair is part of a step-by-step system that teaches just what steps to take and when to do them rather than trying to forge ahead by yourselves. This program is better than any book available because books do not save marriages. That is exactly the reason why Dr. Frank Gunzburg spent 18 months compiling all of his methods and documenting them in this step-by-step program instead of simply publishing a book.
==>Click Here to Start Working on Phase 1 of This System<==
how about getting over a 1.5 year affair, where she wanted to marry the guy. And while in counceling went back to him for more. Only giving up when he would not marry her and I found this all outby reading her e-mail a week after he left her?
I understand exactly how you feel. My ex had an affair that lasted 2 years and went through counseling lying the entire time. She wanted to reconcile after she was dumped by the guy. I have 2 kids which makes it very difficult but I have to consider my happiness too. I feel she wants to get back together because she misses the life she had, my family and friends and the fear of the kids someday finding out she was the cause of the divorce.
My wife was having a face book affair for a year then left me for a month to give him a go. left me with the kids, a 2 and 3 yo. I work month on month off in the mines so Im away a lot. she only cam home a few days before xmas to say she wants to give it another go then I flew back to work on boxingday. How the hell does anyone get over this crap?? WTF are these people thinking when they start this? how do they think it going to end? now she is so happy and planning romantic weekends away where i can not picture myself ever touching her again. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact it was going on for so long
hi.
Right from the start, both of us are tryingto stop.our 3 years affair survived too many goodbyes. Unlike other guys, he never say a word against his wife. Theirs is a rightful family, i am the only thing that makes it wrong. Yet when i decide to move on,he is there pursuing the relationship and vice versa till we realized we have been through 3 years.Just recently, i cried painfully when he decided to let go and we put things in order.I was never possesive of him,and had known that this will come, final goodbye. But, business made some joke on us a week later that made us talk again and there, he said 3 years means a life time contract because im already in his system. I was so happy.We did not yet meet personally since the break up and the patch up because when he said he will come, i feel not ready. When i said come over,he is then not ready to see me too. an indication that we both wanted to do what is right and still want to control things but sometimes we fail because-in my part, i know i had loved this guy so much.. Right now he is on a business trip for a month. the spaces i wanted to think and decide which to follow.my heart?my mind?….i wish he will stay abroad long enough for me to heal and move,for us both. I wanted to decide right and stand to my decision, but how….please advice realistically at my email
Mae, what you are doing is wrong. You knew it was wrong from day one and you continued. I am sorry but I do not feel bad that you are having an emotionally difficult time right now. You need to be an adult and control your physical actions. This means you need to stop calling. Stop answering your phone when he calls. Stop visiting him. Don’t answer the door when he comes by your place. You have already said your goodbyes. You do not need to “say goodbye” again. Be done with this. Stop the damage you are causing to his wife, kids, and family. You are not the victim in this situation.
married 6 months, pregnant at 3 months. after i heard the audio of the deed that was done in our home, while i was working….i nearly died of a broken heart. he cried shame and no self control. he promised it never again. idk if they slept together or not, but the worse part is they work together, on drill weekends. i found out a year later they had still been talking continuously..up to 3 and 4am. outrageous, he told me they were just friends. how do you tell your spouse you are just friends with someone who nearly caused a divorce and nearly lost you your unborn child? …. when i see the mistress, think about the incidents or etc, my heart feels like its been blown up and is ripping out of my chest and throat. we’re not allowed to discuss this…so, idk if i’ve healed or just put it behind us. its been 3.5 years…..
Found out about my husbands affair after a set of documents was sent to me by either the other woman or her friend. We were to be married 40 years in June. My husband was working 2.5 hours away and came home on weekends…….but the affair was going on for 11 months. So when I thought he was working on some weekends he was actually with her and spending at least 3 weekends with her. The documents sent to me we’re a public blog about their times together and photos of them together. My devastation is consuming me and I hope we can work through this. My husband has been answering every question, crying along with me and really trying, but I cannot get the two of them out of my head. All of the things he did with her could have been done with me. I know we were having some sexual problems (menopause changed a lot of physical things for me) but I never thought this would happen. He was living a fantasy which was exciting for him, but when you are married this long some of that excitement just isn’t the same. You have to create new interests. I am still in the anger and resentment phase and I just hope we can save this marriage!
Diane,
I had an affair with a married man, and am married myself. All I can say is it is an emotional roller coaster and once you cross the first fatal line it is so hard to go back however much you want to. It is over now and it really gave me some tools to make my own marriage work (my husband doesn’t know). I’m sure after 40 years your husband loves you very much. There must have been something missing though, otherwise he wouldn’t have strayed. Accept this and find out what it is so you can work together to fill the gap. I see my affair as an extreme form of therapy, I feel awful about the Wife I have hurt, but their relationship also had gaping holes, which they are now working on. Try and make a positive out of this negative. 40 years is a long time, don’t throw it away.